Back in the Saddle Again…
In the early 2000’s my friend Kelly and I began our on-line dating journeys, we were both grad students at the time and we would review each other’s potential candidates, encouraging each other to go on dates, and laughing over our dreadful stories of dates gone wrong. We tried E-Harmony, OK Cupid, Plenty – O – Fish, you name it and if it was free we tried it. I went on some pretty bad dates and gave up pretty quickly. Kelly kept with it, on and off over the years, and ended up married to her dream date (we joked she was going to marry the Brawny Towel lumber jack and that’s pretty much who her husband Ken looks like!).
At this age and stage in life I am at a loss for how to meet people, I am not the women who is approached at a bar (and that would require me to go to a bar and I just don’t have the time or energy). I’ve had friends who have started new relationships as soon as their old ones were done, that’s also never been me. I’m happy in my own company, I like my independence and the older I get the more I appreciate having quite time to myself. I hate the process of dating and would prefer to just jump into being monogamous as soon as I feel a connection with someone who feels right to me. And every time I try on-line dating I really, really, really hate it!
Several years ago I had the best first date I’ve ever had in my life (I ended up dating him for quite a while too)! I had started online dating again for the 100th time, I had gone out on a date the night before with someone where I fake smiled for an hour, so much so that my cheeks hurt, and I did not want to go on this date. I wore a sweater coat, it was raining, I had my hair in a top knot and kept thinking to myself, “let’s just get this over with”. Then I saw him coming into the Starbucks and there was this instant electricity. The conversation flowed effortlessly, we laughed and felt as if we had known each other forever. Now, every time I go on a first date, if I don’t have that kind of instant connection I can’t move forward. I know that’s not the best dating philosophy, and that I should be more open to other experiences, but it’s hard to top that feeling.
Last year I tried online dating again, on a site called Elite Singles, the best site for “educated people”. In a month’s time I was spammed with 2 fake accounts and a profane pick as a profile picture. If someone “likes you” and they are about 10x’s better looking than you are, and their profile is in broken English, you can go ahead and safely assume it’s a fake account. What blew my mind was when customer service contacted me saying the profile was under investigation and I should avoid sending the individual money. Seriously, people are sending these guys money??? Wow! I cancelled my subscription and stopped online dating, again.
I preferred spending my Friday nights with hot neighbor and our mutual friend Richard, playing Uno and eating pizza. Until we all came to the realization that none of us were ever going to find a partner eating pizza and playing games in my dining room.
So, I’m back at it again. Sifting through an online catalog of available men on two online dating websites, hoping to recapture the chemistry of that best date of all time, hoping to find my life partner, and giving myself constant pep talks to keep going and to trust the process. In the meantime, I try not to be judgmental when someone includes up front in their profile, that they like spanking (I’m not even kidding). Or when someone I’ve never met or talked to starts a message about our common enjoyment of coffee and somehow moves the conversation to being on a topless beach together (I was not sure how we went from coffee to topless in a matter of sentences, but somehow that made sense to him). At the very least, my stories keep my friends entertained, and I get a kick out of E-Harmony’s matching assessment that somehow thinks I’d be a great match for a truck driver. Sigh, this process is exhausting.
I spend a lot of time trying to manage my thoughts about the online dating process, as well as managing my expectations. I constantly remind myself we are all humans, looking for a connection that’s going to work for us. Rather than judge or make fun of people, I’m choosing to appreciate them for putting themselves out there and being vulnerable enough to participate in this online dating world (spankings and all).
I’ve let go of my ridged expectations, recognizing that most people this age already have kids and I may need to be open to that. I’m 48 and I think anyone in their 50’s is too old for me, but that’s not really true as I’m almost in that age range! I used to think entrepreneur was code for unemployed, as a small business owner that word has new meaning to me. I could not date someone shorter than me, someone who was religious, someone uneducated, someone with kids, and so on and so forth. Was I being too particular? I’m reminded that all of these “restrictions” would have immediately eliminated someone like my hot neighbor, who by all accounts, would be an amazing partner.
How many times have your own judgmental views of how or who, things and people “should” be have gotten in your way of experiencing something (or someone) amazing? When have you given up on a process that was “too hard” before you even had the opportunity to experience any form of success in that process? Take some time to journal and reflect on these experiences, is there a new way you can approach things that might leave you more open (and vulnerable) to a positive outcome? Feeling brave? Share your experience on our Facebook Page!
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