“I'm so Damaged Beyond Repair Life has Shattered My Hopes and My Dreams”, Save Me – Jelly Roll
I confess, I love country music. Decades of songs that layout the soundtrack of my life. My first concert was Kenny Rodgers with my high school bestie Kelley and her family, my first country record was the single Islands in the Stream. The tradition continues today with Colorado being home to some of the most amazing concert venues, and country music festivals. While watching the ACM awards the other night, I was absolutely blown away by the live performance of the song Save Me by Jelly Roll and Lainey Wilson, the video is worth a watch and the song is worth a listen.
As the month of May continues to call attention to mental health awareness, and as more and more artists and celebrities and others share their stories, collectively we begin to diminish the stigma around asking for help and the loneliness and shame that so many feel when struggling with mental health challenges. The Jelly Roll song hit me hard, the rawness captures the pain so many feel, and the harm we can inflect on ourselves just to try to feel better. As humans navigating traumatic experiences, addictions, depression, anxiety, suicidality, and other mental health issues, we often engage in self-destructive behaviors to either feel something or to numb feelings of pain and suffering.
As I processed the lyrics of the song I began to ask myself, how many of us feel like a lost cause, how many of us feel damaged, how many of us feel “less than” or “not good enough”? According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) the statistics speak for themselves; 1 in 5 US adults experience mental illness each year, 19% have anxiety disorders and 8.3% have major depressive disorders. If you thought you were alone, you are not and you don’t need to suffer in silence.
This past year I have personally felt lost and damaged, it feels awful and hopeless. I allowed myself to be affected by another’s negativity and bullying behavior. As an empathic individual, I also often absorb the pain others’ experience and the work environment I was in affected many people. As I was navigating a long term anxiety disorder, and the onset of depression associated with perimenopausal hormonal changes, in the most toxic work environment I have ever encountered in my 20 year career, I felt like I was falling apart. My self-destructive habit is food, my two favorite men are Ben & Jerry, and I was emotionally eating to feel better. I gained about 20 pounds because I felt life was out of my control and food was the only way I could say “Fuck You” to my miserable situation. Now that I am out of that toxic environment, on a medication that works for me, and in the care of an incredible doctor and therapist, I feel like a new person. I’ve started reexamining my purpose in life without the career I spent the last 20 years building. I’m still using food as my crux, but hey none of us are perfect! I have a wonderful supportive community around me, I am loved, I am cared about, and I still need to ask for help when things get tough.
There is a wonderful quote by the poet and mystic Rumi that resonates with me during difficult times, especially when navigating difficult people who do not create a safe space for me to show up and be accepted as my authentic self, therefore contributing further to my anxiety and struggles. The quote is as follows, “With life as short as a half-taken breath, don’t plant anything but love” (Rumi). Make yourself your number one priority. Take care of yourself, your heart, your health and your mind. Love yourself first and foremost. If you are heading down the path of self-destruction and need someone to save you, ask for help because you are not alone!
