Feeling All the Feels
As a naturally empathic and highly sensitive person, I can often feel overwhelmed by the emotions of others, as well as my own thoughts and feelings. This past week was no exception. I’ve spent a lot of time on my own this week, I’ve had to sit with a lot of feelings that have been coming up. Fear, loneliness, and anger being amongst them. I also feel gratitude, joy and hope. It’s been a mixed bag!
It takes courage to acknowledge fear. I am terrified that I’ve taken on too much of a financial burden in starting this business. It’s overwhelming and expensive and currently not making any money to cover those expenses. From research and taking small business classes, I know this will be the case for the next 3 years or so. No one starts a business that is successful right out of the gate, and patience is not a virtue of mine (although I am always working on that). As an introvert, I spend my time focusing on the back end of the business; building the website, securing financial loans and credit, writing this blog, and dreaming of ways to further perpetuate the success of this business…but that’s where it ends. The next step, the marketing part, terrifies me! The idea of going around and passing out flyers, promoting myself on social media, doing anything traditionally considered extroverted activities, paralyzes me. I also, deep down, believe that when I finally create a plan for marketing, and I put in the work and effort for those activities, and no one shows up, that failure is on me, and that is also terrifying.
I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, that I have been grieving the loss of my community of professional friends, those friendships that couldn’t go the distance after I left my former employer. Those folks meant so much to me and not having the opportunity to see them and engage with them on a day-to-day basis hurts my heart. I am often in awe of how the universe responds to the energy you put out into the world. All at once, I ran into a former colleague recently at my retail job and we connected over lunch and had a lovely visit. Another friend reached out recently after months of silence, and it was so fantastic to catch up with her and to hear her voice. Both friends had a lot of personal things going on, life happens for all of us. The best part of those kinds of friendships is you can pick up right where you left off and it’s as if no time has passed. I had a few other people from my previous job reach out this week as well, it felt great to connect by text and phone and in person. There are others I’ve tried to reach out to, and have not received a response, that stings a bit, and I accept that it is what it is. Not everyone we meet is meant to stay in our life forever.
With those connections and catch-up conversations, the one thing that binds my former colleagues and friends together is a shared traumatic experience with an employer. It’s hard not to relive some of those moments in those conversations. I recognized that even though a year has passed, and the toxic leaders of that institution have come and gone, I do still harbor some anger towards my experience. I work each and every day to let that go, it’s hard.
I know there will come a time when I can talk about my experience there and not have a reaction, and that it will just be another life lesson in a long line of life lessons, that I have learned from. One that has made me stronger, more resilient, more focused on my passion and what brings me joy. There will be no feelings of resentment, anger, or loss.
The Buddhist monk, Tich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful quote that really resonated with me this week. He said, “an emotion is only an emotion. It’s just a small part of your whole being. You are much more than your emotion. An emotion comes, stays for a while, and goes away, just like a storm. If you are aware of that, you won’t be afraid of your emotions”.
As I navigated an emotional roller coaster this week, I tried not to put any qualifiers on what I was feeling, the emotions weren’t “negative” they were just emotions. And as I’m writing this morning, those emotions of fear and anger are moving to the back burner and feelings of gratitude for all that I have, including the opportunity to do something extremely different with my life though this business, are emerging. I feel loved; sharing conversations, thoughts and feelings with friends brings me warmth and joy.
For all of the other emotions that are swirling and have not been processed yet, I’m taking those to the yoga mat. Through meditation, yoga and intentionally diffusing essential oils that bring about emotional regulation and happiness, I am setting myself up to go into this next week with renewed energy and commitment to the things that need to get done. We all experience times in our lives when we are tired, unmotivated, saddened, burdened, and frightened. The challenge is not to linger in that place, to find rituals, habits and practices that help restore balance and harmony to daily life. For me that is meditation, yoga, and aromatherapy (oh, and a fantastic therapist as well)!
Have you noticed patterns or cycles in your life that bring about certain emotional responses? Do you dwell on those emotions? If so, what are some practices you can engage in that will allow you to acknowledge those emotions and then let them go? Do you often put qualifiers on the emotions you are having? Identifying anger and sadness as “bad” or “negative” emotions, rather than accepting them as a normal part of the human experience and not putting them in a specific category? Take some time to journal about this and if you’re feeling brave, share some of your insights on our Facebook page!
