age is just a number….
In August I turned 48 and I’m noticing different things about my body. Perhaps yoga and meditation have helped me feel more connected to my body in ways I wasn’t connected before, but I am definitely feeling older. My knees creak and crack when I stand up after squatting or sitting. Some days my feet hurt, other days my skin feels like it’s crawling after wearing coarse material, and most days I just feel tired. For me, age might be just a number but it’s a meaningful one.
There will always be people who defy their age, they are the outliers. For the rest of us, there will come a day when we look in the mirror and realized we’ve gotten older. We will stand up after working on the computer and feel stiff as a board. We will be a little slower, a bit rounder in the middle, with droopier skin and many more gray hairs than we had just a few years before. I am learning to accept the aging process; I don’t have the energy to fight it nor do I want to. I am after all, 48 and what’s so wrong with looking and feeling as if I’ve lived almost half a century? There’s wisdom that comes with aging if we’re learning the life lessons we’re meant to!
Owning my age, being proud of the life I’ve lived thus far and celebrating each of the gray hairs I’ve earned along the way is a path toward acceptance. I have never really accepted my body. I have always been self-conscious of my curves, every day felt like a bad hair day, I never could get makeup on the right way, there are parts of me I wish were smaller, and the list goes on. This negative thought pattern doesn’t support a healthy body image. With all the negative self-talk happening in my head about my appearance, I don’t think I’ve ever shown much love or appreciation to my body for all of the things it has done for me. I have always been able to physically engage with my surroundings, I can see the world’s beauty, hear the sounds of nature, smell the roses, and enjoy physical touch (there’s nothing better than a warm, embracing hug from a loved one). With age and wisdom, I am learning to value my body and my health. We certainly don’t know how long we will remain healthy or how long we will be here on this earth. Therefore, I am choosing both appreciation and acceptance of my body as it carries me into this next stage of life.
I was torn between the words acceptance and surrender. I chose acceptance as it felt more like an active approach. I accept my body is aging, and so I will do a better job of nurturing and caring for it. I accept that I don’t have the energy that I used to and that I may need a nap every now and then. I accept I need reading glasses when I’ve never had issues before! I accept that my body is preparing for menopause and that adds a little jiggle to my middle. I even accept that I have to wear extra supportive shoes most days versus the heels I used to wear in my 30’s. This process of acceptance has not been easy! I do moan and complain from time to time when I’ve had a sleepless night or need to take an Epsom salt bath to soak sore muscles. Then I remember, those muscles have been working for me for 48 years they’ve earned the right to be tired and sore.
I have spent the first half of my life hating my body, feeling self-conscious, picking myself apart piece by piece. I sometimes wonder if this negative self-image was the cause of anxiety, or a symptom. With yoga and meditation, I am forming a new and different relationship with my body. I see my body as a gift, something I need to love and nurture, not something to hate. My body is capable of many things and I hope this is the case for another 40 years!