In the time that I have been writing and posting this blog I have been struggling with the concept of kindness, versus being nice. As a woman, I was taught to “be nice”, in fact that seemed to be the expectation. That message gets confusing because it becomes engrained that being nice means we let things pass, or that we will overlook being treated poorly, or not stand up for ourselves, all for the sake of being perceived as “nice”. Being kind however, to me is different. Being kind to yourself means advocating for what you need and want. It is kind to care for your body and mind, it is kind when you stand up to others if you believe you’re being mistreated. Kindness matters as a human, kindness matters when you are a leader, and it’s just plain good karma!

We have all had kind and unkind bosses. Bosses who were caring and supportive and bosses who cared less about us as people and more about the bottom line or how things appeared versus how they really are. I love following Simon Sinek on LinkedIn and reading his works on leadership. His leadership focus is always person centered, emphasizing that leaders are responsible for creating a psychologically safe work environment for their teams.

Emphasizing that when we are being lead in a psychologically safe environment, we can be authentic, ask questions, share things that are going on in our personal lives when they are impacting our professional work, we can say we don’t know or don’t have an answer to something and be open to learning. A psychologically safe environment is one of trust, respect and one where we can do and be these things without fear of retaliation or losing the opportunity for promotion, etc.

For the majority of my career, I have been privileged to work in settings where leadership provided psychological safety. The only pressure I felt to perform was the pressure I put on myself. I regularly exceeded expectations due to a personal sense of pride, ego, and a strong work ethic. As an individual with anxiety, I often over performed out of the irrational fear that I would do something wrong and as a result suffer unbearable consequences. I didn’t know how to navigate a psychologically un-safe workspace. I didn’t even know what that was until I found myself physically and emotionally paralyzed by fear in a work environment that had me feeling sick every day. The experience is unnerving.

My experience in this environment was one of the most difficult and challenging life lessons I’ve had to endure. Just prior to the pandemic, as well as during, the area I was working in had been under transitional leadership. When a new leader was hired, my colleagues and I were excited about this individual as we hoped they would bring us a new vision as well as stability after a series of interim leaders. This individual had a quick sense of humor, was wicked smart, and quite charismatic. They had both professional and life experiences that I knew I could learn and grow from. I was excited about the possibility of on-going mentorship and professional development from this individual.

At the same time, I was really struggling with my own mental health. My anxiety was worsening and the symptoms of depression that emerged because of changing hormones, was overwhelming. I couldn’t emotionally regulate myself. Given that I was just starting to work with this new leader, and they knew nothing about me, I thought it important to tell them about what was going on during our first meeting. I let them know that I was aware I had some mental health challenges, that I was addressing them with my Dr. and therapist, and that I was going on medication and didn’t know how I would be affected. This leader was kind, receptive to the conversation, and I left the meeting feeling supported.

Over time, my friends and colleagues were starting to share experiences they were having with our new leader. Experiences that were harsh, and in my opinion, verbally abusive. There were meetings where colleagues were berated and publicly humiliated. These interactions with our new leader were not the interactions I was having. My colleagues advised me to be grateful that I was on positive terms, and I was. However, as someone with anxiety I anxiously waited for the other shoe to drop and one day…it did.

After 10 years of working with individuals who were threatening to take their own lives, or who posed as potential threats to the lives of others, my nervous system had been taxed to the max. My body was producing enough cortisol; however, I was metabolizing it at a rate that identified my body as being in a perpetual state of fight or flight. Between my work, my hormones, and the inevitable negative interaction with my new boss looming, I thought it best to advocate for myself. For the first time in my entire life, I put my mental wellness at the forefront of my health care needs. In collaboration with my Dr. and my therapist it was suggested that I apply for disability accommodations so that I may have a few days a week to work remotely, to allow myself time to navigate the effects of the new medication I was on, and to also remove myself temporarily from a highly stressful environment.

According to the American’s with Disabilities Act the process for requesting reasonable accommodations was to play out quite quickly. Unfortunately, that was not the case in my situation. For whatever reasons, my case was taking weeks. It was taking so long that I had to consult with an attorney about my rights in the situation. It was taking so long that my anxiety was starting to increase, and for good reason! During this time, my supervisor had stopped speaking to me directly and shifted me to another leader, yet my supervisor was the one responsible for the decision regarding my request for reasonable accommodations. The process was taking so long that I ended up applying for Family Medical Leave so that I could address my mental health. My request for leave was approved quickly and I was free to attend to my mental health needs in collaboration with the medical professionals I was working with. I felt relief, knowing I could take this time to get well and that my job would be protected. After all, in my experience as a supervisor people take FMLA for maternity leave all the time and don’t have any trouble returning to their exact position.

After 12 weeks away, 6 of which I ended up taking care of my father who had his own health scare, I was back at work. Eager to be back with friends and colleagues, feeling rejuvenated and ready to move forward. Upon returning, and within a matter of hours, I was advised that the largest area in my portfolio would no longer report to me and that I was required to move my office immediately. Hmmmm, retaliation? Punishment? I’ll let you be the judge of that. I was devastated by the decision, and no one would explain to me why the decision had been made. I wrote my resignation letter that afternoon, but before sending it, I decided to sleep on it. The next day I knew what I had to do. As someone with a mental health issue, who had spent years advocating for others with mental health issues, I decided to advocate for myself. I felt retaliated against for taking FMLA and I felt discriminated against for having a mental health issue that required me to take leave. I chose to treat myself with kindness acknowledging that what happened to me was wrong and that I was going to speak out about it for my own benefit and the benefit of any others who had been, or would be, mistreated in the future.

In time, I will share more about this experience and what happened over the months that lead up to my resignation from higher education completely. For now, I would love to hear your stories about kind and unkind leaders! How does your workplace affect your sense of self and your sense of security? Keep the conversation going on Facebook!

Kindness Matters!

age is just a number….

soft spots