soft spots

This week I read Pema Chödrön’s book, The Wisdom of No Escape. There was a paragraph that really resonated with me. She was sharing insights from her teacher who described all of us as having “soft spots” and that we experience negativity and resentment because we try to cover up our soft spots. She proceeds to share that those of us who are tender, deeply touched, open, and who have kind warm hearts tend to shield ourselves. This also made me think of Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and “armoring up”. I’ve been reflecting a lot on my soft spots and the shields of armor I’ve put on over the years as a means of protecting myself, a way to toughen up, so that others could be more comfortable around me. This insight has been a lot to emotionally unpack, especially in realizing that covering up who we really are doesn’t allow for living with authenticity.

I’ve shared in previous posts that I have been told all of my life that I am “too sensitive”, almost as if that were a bad thing, something to be ashamed of, something I needed to fix or eliminate. I never understood that. When I began to study counseling, I learned the key to any good counseling relationship is empathy. In this area my sensitivity was a benefit to my clients, I had a gift for being able to empathize with their experiences and their feelings. I was able and capable of holding space for their fears and their traumas.

From the time I graduated college my career emphasized helping others. I started out supporting survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence then moved into supporting high-risk, suicidal college students. Over time, I transitioned into leadership roles that allowed me to supervise and mentor the staff who were doing the direct work with at-risk students. Suddenly, as a leader it seemed my soft spot as a sensitive person was unwelcomed, once again.

I’ve always received mixed reviews about my leadership style. I cared deeply for those that worked for me, and for those individuals we served in the roles of counselors and caretakers. Other sensitive souls shared that they admired my vulnerability and appreciated that in a leader. However, the higher up the leadership ladder I climbed the less and less my sensitivity seemed to be welcomed. It was a Catch 22. The majority of my job was to help others who were at their most vulnerable, in so much pain that they felt the only way out was to end their lives. My empathic and sensitive nature allowed those folks to feel cared for, seen, and not judged yet I was expected to hide my true nature when sharing my own experience with others. When you deal with high-risk individuals day in and day out it has an effect on you. I was on edge, anxious, and at times felt depressed by my work even though I also found it rewarding and meaningful. My staff (I believe), appreciated, valued, and welcomed my caring style of leadership, however leadership above me certainly did not.  

I have come to realize that my soft spot, what prickles me most, is being misunderstood. I have spent a good portion of my life feeling out of place because of my sensitivity. I’m grateful to the authors and others who have started calling attention to the wonderful qualities that introverts and sensitive people have to offer. Susan Cain’s book Quiet uniquely highlights the gifts that introverts bring to the table in a society that rewards extraversion. Dr. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person helped me realize that there’s not something wrong with me because I’m sensitive, it’s not something I need to fix or hide, or manage to make others feel more comfortable. And I thank the universe for gifting us Brené Brown, who continues to teach us about vulnerability.

I recall a leadership coaching session I had where I was crying and trying to process feedback I had been given by a supervisor who told me (once again) that I was too sensitive. After several minutes of berating myself for not being able to manage my emotions the coach said to me, “did it ever occur to you that [supervisor] isn’t sensitive enough”? Woah….no, that never occurred to me!

I am grateful to the many women who are researching, writing, and sharing their work and personal experiences as sensitive beings. I believe there is a place for us in this world, a necessary place for our unique gifts. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to create a space for women at Embrace Therapeutics, where sensitivity and emotions are welcomed and celebrated! Where we are able expose our soft spots without armor or judgement and learn to love ourselves unconditionally, to accept ourselves wholeheartedly, soft spots and all. A place where we don’t need to create shields to protect who we are inside. A place where who we are is enough.

Take a moment to meditate and reflect on your soft spots. What are they? What situations have led you to create shields and armor? When does that serve you, when doesn’t it?  Join the conversation on our Facebook page!