WTF Is Happening to me?
UGH….It feels as if it has taken me forever to get to this place, the place where you care less about what others think and more about what is in your heart. The place where you worry less about everything that “might” happen and live more in the moment mindfully aware of what “is” happening. The point in time when you recognize that you have been living the expectations of others and you come to realize you have absolutely NO IDEA what you want for yourself! I believe it was Oprah who said, women have mid-life awakenings, I am living mine right now!
Let me start from the beginning; I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. From childhood, I worried about everything, rarely taking significant risks or chances, never trusting the outcomes would be ok. I worried about getting into trouble, getting punished, and not getting perfect grades. I worried about friendships, romantic relationships, getting caught doing something any teenager would do – and feeling guilt and shame rather than enjoyment. The perpetual state of anxiety, rapid heart rate, the tension in my jaw, the nausea in my stomach that would occur when I actually did take a risk, at times could be unbearable.
I have always been labeled as “too sensitive”, “too empathic”, I cry “too easily”. I learned to manage these emotions through sarcasm and always acting as if I were playing defense. I spent the majority of my childhood, as well as my adult life, thinking a perpetual state of anxiety was normal and that sensitivity and empathy were qualities to be either ashamed of or embarrassed by. I did not understand the emotional dysregulation that came along with the anxiety. My inability to manage feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, vulnerability, and so much more.
Perimenopause tipped the scales when it came to my emotional dysregulation. I would cry every time someone asked me how I was doing. I started having panic attacks, they were rare, but they did occur and they felt unbearable. Not only did my anxiety escalate through the roof but I started feeling depressed as well. Although, I was unaware that it was actually depression. With a background in mental health, surely, I’d know if I were depressed? Surely I’d understand anxiety? This process of emotional dysregulation has occurred throughout my life, however it became unbearable about 5 years ago and has been in a downward cycle. What was happening in my life 5 years ago that flipped this switch? Was it a stressful work environment, perhaps. Was it a high pressure leadership position, maybe. Was it the immense pressure I was putting on myself to maintain a level of “perfectionism”, possibly. It could have been my relationship, my finances, my job, any number of life circumstances. What never came to my mind though, was hormonal changes related to perimenopause. Yup, the transition to menopause can lead women down a path of poor mental health, increased anxiety and depression, along with so many other health factors.
At the time I am writing this I am 47. I started having night sweats in my mid-thirties. Yup, that’s more than a decade of hot flashes that happened while I was sleeping. Soaking my pajamas, waking me up at 2 AM chilled and soaking wet. After lying in bed for what would feel like eternity, hoping to get comfortable, but never actually feeling comfortable, I would finally surrender, get out of bed, put on dry pajamas and try to go back to sleep. Eventually, I would fall back into a deep sleep of course, right before the alarm went off. Those nights did not leave me feeling well rested and ready to start the day. As I got older, the night sweats became more frequent and closely aligned with my cycle. I would have epic night sweats for about 10 days leading up to my period.
When you think about the symptoms associated with poor, disrupted sleep they include exhaustion, the inability to think clearly, irritability, poor appetite and food choices like caffeine in the middle of the day to stay awake, then wine in the evening to help settle in to sleep. Then you get the weight gain because you’re not sleeping well, the food you’re eating to try to sustain energy during the day is usually loaded with caffeine, carbs, and sugar and then you crash and have no energy to work out or take time to care for yourself. It’s a vicious cycle that I was caught in for many years. I was run down, exhausted, gaining weight, depressed and constantly felt as if I were in a state of fight or flight. Everything was becoming unbearable. I was getting feedback from supervisors at work that included the following, “you need to pull yourself together”, “maybe you need a different profession, one that’s less stressful”, “we’re concerned for your mental wellbeing”, and on, and on, and on. Not only was I feeling miserable, and that my emotions were out of control, I was clearly making other people uncomfortable and I was being treated as if this were all within my own ability to fix! I came back from a wonderful vacation to Hawaii, my friend and colleague asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. In the middle of my sniveling, snotty, uncontrollable crying fit I kept apologizing and saying how sorry I was for crying and that I had no idea why I was even crying! Did I mention, all of this was happening during the height of the COVID pandemic? Yeah, it was A LOT!
How did I manage? Stay tuned for my next newsletter to get tips and tricks for managing mental health symptoms.
