I have often wondered why women, on one hand can have the most incredibly intense, emotional, and connected friendships and on the other hand treat each other so poorly. Tina Fey hit the nail on the head with her movie Mean Girls. It reminded me of high school, and even further back to elementary school. I am not innocent, plenty of girls were mean to me and I paid it forward to others. There was one girl in high school, I loathed her and had absolutely no idea why, she never did a thing to me, yet I spent graduation plucking grass and throwing it in her hair. I’m not a terrible human, but I was terrible to my classmate and for no good reason at all. She was not one of the girls making my life miserable, she was just easy to pick on! Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the culture of women in the workplace and how women interact and support (or derail) each other.

To keep myself afloat while working on this business, I have taken on two retail therapy jobs (I mean, just retail jobs-haha)! Joking aside, it is therapeutic for me to be in an environment where the worst-case scenario is an irritated customer versus a suicidal student! I enjoy the odd work hours, the downtime, the mundane work of organizing and making things look pretty as well as the customer interactions. 90% of people shopping are friendly, enjoy the conversation, and laugh at my bad jokes. I also enjoy the camaraderie of my colleagues. It’s different than working in higher ed. There are no coffee meetings or happy hours, when I leave work, I leave work. I don’t go home thinking about it, I don’t spend my evening problem solving or anxiously anticipating what shit storm is going to hit the next day.

I’m also learning a great deal about business, sales goals, scheduling, and more.

Both retailers have their own corporate cultures as well as the unique, individual store cultures. I’m fortunate to work for two companies who are truly committed to the well-being and happiness of their employees. They both offer health benefits to their part-time employees and both have free Employee Assistance Programs to address mental health and crisis. Both have lovely discount programs, and one employer actually provides funding for me to go work out! It’s pretty amazing, eat that higher ed!

All of that said, I had a few interactions this week at one of the jobs that brought me to tears. I’d like to blame the hormones, but it was more than that. It was an interaction, that was probably quite harmless and intended to be humorous in nature, but it didn’t land that way. It landed in a way that brought back every memory of mean girl interactions I’ve ever had. I am almost 50, and was holding back tears because someone’s sharp tone and public criticism over something I wore to work triggered an onslaught of emotions around every other time another woman has been “mean” to me! After a few days of considering how I wanted to provide feedback to my colleague, another interaction between us occurred and my eyes welled up again.

Without going into detail about these minor interactions and endlessly processing what my coworker may have intended with her words versus how I interpreted them, my brain wanted to reflect more on workplace culture. Was I really that distraught over a few comments about my sweater, or was it something more? I am new to this particular job, I am learning the ropes, the product, the processes, the names of all my coworkers, plus the company lingo. There is a lot to learn and for the most part, people want to be helpful. Yet I feel there is an annoyance that someone new is being onboarded, that I don’t have a familiarity with the internal culture of the company and the individual store, that I ask too many questions or that I’m perceived as too needy because I have so many questions! My manager is a lovely human, she is kind and patient with me and she seems very committed to my success. The culture seems divided with one half embracing the hiring of outsiders and the other half resisting. What I discovered was really bothering me is that I don’t feel included, and I feel like an outsider, ugh.

The store staff is made up primarily of women, though there are several men as well. What I’ve noticed is that my feelings of exclusion are coming from other women and I’m wondering why? In chatting with my manager about this, she asked me if perhaps it was in my head. A fair question, as someone with anxiety I spend a great deal of time in my head processing through scenarios, but what I’ve come to conclude is it doesn’t matter if it’s in my head or not, I feel excluded and that’s overwhelming and uncomfortable when I spend 30 hours a week there!

In addition to wondering why women, intentionally or unintentionally choose to make other women feel excluded, I have also spent the better part of this week reflecting on how I’m choosing to show up. I’ve spent all of my life conforming to the expectations of others, I don’t want to conform any longer. I want to be 100% authentically myself. Today I’m showing up to work in teal pants and a sparkling sweater, in a culture where most staff will be wearing black. I am not going to tear up if anyone teases me, in fact I’m going to straight up own my glittery self!

I also intended to be intentional and curious about my colleagues, to spend time getting to know them and allowing them to get to know me. I intend to bring to the table kindness, authenticity, and compassion for myself and others, contributing to the kind of workplace culture I value and want to foster. And don't worry, I also intend to support my colleague by providing feedback about our interactions when the time is right, and I’ll do so coming from an authentic place, with curiosity, and compassion, and an open mind.

Mean Girls

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