On my way to work yesterday morning, I heard a song that had a strong influence on today’s posting. It’s been an interesting week, holding space for gratitude on the Thanksgiving holiday, working in retail on Black Friday, and adapting my home to accommodate a temporary house guest and her young pup, bringing the total number of dogs in the house to 3! That would be enough for anyone to manage in one week! What resonated with me the most though, was the news that my former supervisor “stepped down from her position, effective immediately”. This was conveyed to me by a trusted colleague and friend who thought I might appreciate the information. My initial reaction was relief for my colleagues and friends who chose to stay and navigate such a difficult environment and my wish for them is that there is time to heal and move forward to continue the great work they do. For a short time, I also felt satisfaction that karma had indeed come back around, and that this individual could not cause any further harm to the community she was leading. I also felt empathy for my former supervisor, I will never come to know the details surrounding her departure, but I’m sure the decision was not an easy one.

The song that captured my attention today is a country song by Mitchell Tenpenny, called We Got History.

While the song is about 2 adults navigating an amicable break-up, it had me reflecting on grief and some of the losses I’ve experienced over the last few years.

Historically, I’ve always equated grief and loss to death and dying. When it comes to impacting our mental health however, loss encompasses so much more than death. Divorce, natural disaster and other traumatic incidents can bring about feelings of grief. The loss of someone you love, such as a partner, or the loss of something meaningful, such as a job, can all contribute to the onset of grief.

The lyrics from the song that resonated with me the most are; “I know we don't have a future anymore, but damn, we got history”. So many relationships came to mind as I allowed myself to get carried away with the song. When I first started working in higher ed I did not realize I would meet a leader who would change my life and my career trajectory. I met a leader who saw so much potential in everyone he met, including me. He gave me opportunity after opportunity to learn and grow and under his leadership I experienced a great deal of success. I worked with him for over 10 years, at 2 different higher ed institutions. I would have followed him anywhere, except he landed at a Catholic High School and that was where I drew the line! He is a warm, wonderful and charismatic leader and those of us who worked for him knew we had his support and trust as well as his friendship. As our institution transitioned to new leadership he transitioned out. Without a moment to spare, the work had to continue yet many of us were grieving the loss of a leader who believed in us, cared about us and gave us every opportunity to grow and advance. After more than 10 years, I think it’s fair to say that while we no longer have a future working together, we certainly have history!

I am also still grieving the loss of a partner, whom I loved dearly.

A partner I thought I would marry and happily spend our mid-life years building a home together, traveling, making dinners, and drinking beers on the porch while listening to our favorite 80’s tunes (more like his favorite 80’s tunes, he could be a bit particular)!

There came a time in our relationship when I realized it was not going to move forward and that the life I wanted with him, was not the life he was ready or willing to give. We were both heartbroken, I still think of him and miss him every day. We had a great deal of history during the years we were together, and while we don’t have a future anymore, we will always have a connection. The termination of this relationship contributed to a great deal of grief and heartbreak.

The lyrics also gave me pause to think about the career I lost as well as the colleagues and friends I’d made along the way. I miss my colleagues; they were my support system, my lifeline, and we were together for so many years through a great deal of growth and transition. They were the reason I stayed in the chaos for as long as I did (ok, I may have also stayed because of my salary, but my colleagues were the reason I showed up each day). In my 10 years in higher ed, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t have a meeting over coffee with a friend, solving problems together. There wasn’t a week that passed without at least 1 happy hour that included wine and champagne fries, time to blow off steam, complain about our work environment and process a million ways we wanted to make it a better place for all of us. The conversations were intellectual, rich, deep and meaningful. I got to develop and mentor young professionals who are killing it out there in their recently acquired leadership roles. Not to mention the many mornings, that as a team, we would discuss theories about Game of Thrones, the drama on whatever season of the Bachelor / Bachelorette we were watching, and of course the wins and losses of the Denver Broncos. I miss my friends so much. For me, this was the biggest loss of the last year. Many people have moved on and moved away as they too needed to transition out of an unhealthy environment. I know nothing in life stays the same and yet I am grieving the loss of my community. I also know that while we won’t have a future together at work, we have a great deal of history that we will reflect on for years to come.

Loss, no matter how big or small leaves little holes in our hearts. As life moves on, we find ways to fill those holes with new jobs, new colleagues, new relationships, new dreams. We keep moving forward. In reflecting on those losses, I choose gratitude for the love and friendship that I have had in my life, and I take comfort in knowing that my heart will repair itself in time. I have also learned to recognize and acknowledge the feelings and symptoms of depression that loss can bring as well as the challenges with anxiety that come along with moving on and trying new things. Finding new community will be important, as the old Girl Scout Song says, “make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold”.

Defining Loss

Mean Girls

The trauma of Betrayal