The trauma of Betrayal

I have the most incredible therapist; she really gets me and she’s wise and insightful and whenever I have a therapy appointment, she makes statements that just blow my mind. After a few months’ hiatus from therapy because of my travel schedule, changes in insurance, and overall doing pretty well in life, I scheduled a check-in appointment. I was sharing with her that I just can’t seem to shake off my transition out of higher ed. Even after all of this time, it just keeps coming back up in various ways. From conversations with friends, to my former employer being in the news, and just the other day I received a PAST DUE ACCOUNT, for which I’m personally being charged because the university didn’t pay an invoice (I’m not even joking)! It just won’t go away (to be fair, my friend and former colleague is working to take care of the invoice, but I did not need that in my email inbox)!

For most of my work life I have supported individuals who have experienced true trauma; rape, domestic violence, suicidality, etc., and I didn’t feel comfortable referring to the abandonment of my career as “traumatic”.  And yet, almost a year later I still have nightmares about my experience. Not too many nightmares, and they don’t occur often, but they do surface. In her infinite wisdom, my therapist shared with me that betrayal is traumatic. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the word betrayal, until she spelled it out. “You were betrayed by an institution you trusted and were loyal to”. WOAH That shit blew my mind!

Since that appointment I’ve been reflecting on my experience through that lens, the lens of betrayal. Merriam-Webster defines betrayal as a: “violation of a person's trust or confidence”. Well, that about sums up my experience! I also started thinking back on other betrayals I’ve experienced, and some of you have probably been through similar betrayals as well. The first time I experienced an act of betrayal was with my high school boyfriend, Burger King Dave. He, cheated on me with my friend and fellow co-worker Ellen. A double betrayal! The next big betrayal came from my first real love. That guy in my 20’s, the relationship where you are physically intimate, emotionally immature and head over heels crazy about someone. You spend every second together, when you’re apart you miss them, and in your mind, you feel confident you’re getting married. Until you come home, and find all of their stuff gone, with no warning or explanation. You get back together a few days later, and then you get cheated on. A double whammy!

Then there is the time when you trust a loved one with information that you know would / could hurt someone else, and that loved one after agreeing to hold your confidences, turns right around and tells that other person what you said (and chooses to add some embellishments because they feel a sense of power over hurting the other person). I’d label that one a betrayal of trust.

Finally, along comes a supervisor, one who you don’t really trust but she offers intermittent praise, and allows you to feel cared for, she creates a space for you to be vulnerable and authentic with your emotions…until she turns around and uses those against you as a weapon and preys on them as a way to provoke what she perceives to be, your weaknesses. Not the best management style, in case you were wondering about that! Following that is another supervisor, who is worse and gas lights you and paints you as incompetent so she does not have to accept responsibility for her own failures. Wow, no wonder I’m in therapy!

So, how does betrayal equate to trauma? I went back to Merriam-Webster to find out. Trauma is defined as “a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury: an emotional upset”.

As someone with anxiety, who already identifies as a highly sensitive individual, and an empathic individual, those betrayals were certainly emotional upsets, resulting in a severe and pervasive state of anxiety and stress. In putting it all together. Because I was so broken down, I realized that one person had the power to put into motion a series of events that severely impacted my emotional wellbeing, my financial security, my career identity, my collegial relationships and my overall livelihood. Stressful? Yup. Traumatic? Yup. Betrayal? Yup! My infinitely wise therapist also shared that betrayal is one of the more difficult traumas to get over (that may explain my nightmares).

Through all of this,

I’m grateful that I can reflect on these experiences in retrospect and have appreciation for how much I’ve grown and moved forward as a result of those hardships. I’m also thankful that I can name that experience, it was betrayal and it was traumatic for me. I don’t intend to linger there, there is no point, it does not serve me, and those individuals no longer have influence over my life, or career. Rather than expending energy I don’t have dwelling on the past, I have chosen a path forward. I’ve chosen to recognize these hardships as lessons, I’ve chosen the path of empowerment and self-worth, I have chosen the path of healing.

If you are struggling with trauma, anxiety or other mental health issues join me for Family and Friends virtual yoga for only $1 and experience the impact yoga can have on calming your nervous system. Feeling anxious or overwhelmed? Need to find peace in a chaotic environment? Check out our aromatherapy inhalers and let the healing powers of the essential oils calm your senses.

Feeling brave? Journal about your own experience with any trauma or betrayal you’ve experienced. If it stirs up discomfort or unprocessed emotions and you need the support of a mental health professional that’s ok! Take care of yourself. If you’re feeling extra brave, share your story on our Facebook Page!